Seven Days To Go

In exactly one week I will be having my Bat Mitzvah ceremony. I have been preparing for tomorrow for over a year. It’s a big deal and sort of stressful. But what I’m having trouble coming to terms with is how little changes. When I was younger, I understood that a Bat Mitzvah was not about the party. But if it wasn’t about the party, what was it about? I concluded that something must change, on a religious level: I would, over the course of studying, figure out what I meant when I thought or talked about G-d and emerge from it better able to engage with G-d through the new things I would be able to do as a Jewish woman. Well, I’m running out of time. I haven’t really figured out what I believe about G-d, much less come up with a deep understanding and spiritual link to Him/Her/G-d. I’m still not entirely sure what the responsibilities of a Jewish woman are, how that works with being a seventh grader who can’t keep a sheet of Very Important Paper safe for more than 4 days, or whether I’m ready to fulfill this responsibility. I don’t know how this is going to change my connection to G-d and I’m not sure I want it to. And you know what? In ten days, I’m going to dress, eat breakfast, brush my hair, pack three binders, three pieces of homework, and assorted bits of school and roleplaying stuff, run off to catch my bus, and settle in for my fourth day of school just like everyone else in my grade. So if I’m going to change, I’m kind of still going to be the same confused thirteen year old I am now. Isn’t that a comforting thought?  Maybe, just like the oldest unit at camp has to continuously work on ‘becoming olim’ and living up to their name, a Bat Mitzvah has to work on becoming Bat Mitzvah. Because you never really get there, you know?